a fair and balanced birdthing (raaven) wrote,
a fair and balanced birdthing

one of the things i was mulling over earlier today, when i was thoroughly cranky & irritable, was what to do about a certain friend of mine. for the sake of privacy, let's call him k.

i've been friends with k. for over 10 years. in that time, we've helped each other through a lot of difficulties. but in the last two years or so, we've been growing increasingly distant. it started with in an incident that had k. telling me i must be stupid to be friends with someone (let's call him b.)

i'm aware that my friendships are somewhat different from 'the norm', if you will, but i cannot imagine any friendship in which it would be okay for one friend to call the other stupid. in any case, it wasn't okay with me. so, being me, i brought up the issue. k. didn't seem to 'get it' and sort of shrugged the whole thing off in a very patronizing way.

so then he moved out of town, and i didn't see much of him for awhile. which was fine with me, as i was still hurt/annoyed. about 6 months ago he moved back to town. we've gotten together a couple of times to hang out, but he manages to piss me off almost every time we speak, so we don't, often. an example: a few weeks after the WTC attack, i was talking to k. he asked me what i'd been doing, and i said that i'd just come back from philadelphia. he asked me how it was. i said that it was a nice stress relief to get out of the city for a bit, considering all of the freakiness here. he said "oh, no, you're one of those". "those?" i asked. "one of those people who is all hysterical about the whole thing". "hysterical?" i asked...then "whatever, k.".

let me just say, for the record, that i am one of the least hysterical people i've ever met. the most hysterical i ever get is nervous laughter in situations where i'm shy.

another example: a mutual friend was with k. at a function that i had said i might attend. when the other friend mentioned to k. that i had fallen & injured myself, k. then commented something along the lines of "oh, i'm surprised she didn't say she had a migraine...that's the usual excuse".

for the benefit of people who don't know me well, i'm an antisocial curmudgeon who has ZERO compunction about saying to anyone "no, i don't want to go to that" if i'm invited to something i don't feel like doing. i don't feel a need to come up with polite excuses. needless to say, this indirect slur irks me. i've not confronted k. about it, because it came to me through a third party.

also, i've not brought it up again because i dislike the whole "___ said this", "___said that" pseudo-drama that indirect snide comments so often lead to. i'm not willing to descend, at the age of 33, to the kind of crap i did my best to avoid while still in high school. so, i've just been watching the situation slide...but these two incidents are not isolated. there have been others of note as well.

however, i think that very soon, i must make a clean break with k. a simple "look, i'm not comfortable hanging out with you lately...maybe we can resume the friendship in a couple of months".

it's something to think about, anyway. certainly i won't be making a decision on it while in my current state of migraine-befuddledness.
Tags: conflict, friends
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