a fair and balanced birdthing (raaven) wrote,
a fair and balanced birdthing
raaven

letter to a friend, 7/11/99

a friend of mine just sent me an email that i'd sent him upon our reaquaintance 3 + years ago. since it sums up very well a decade or so of my life, thought i'd put it here for archival purposes (with the names of friends altered -- but not those of ex-lovers. don't ask my rational, it just makes sense to me):


Subj: My own chronology...
Date: 7/11/99 4:18:18 PM Eastern Daylight Time

Hallo...thought I'd write the synopsis of my own past 12 years or so...but
I don't have it nearly so organized as actual years/dates....:)

When Doug left for the Audubon year, I was living in Newton, where you
& S1--- & S2--- came to visit me that time. I stayed in touch with his
mom & sister, and it wasn't long before his mom offered to rent me his room
at the house. I think that she felt sorry for me (who wouldn't!). I lived
there until he came back from his trip, then after he got back, he & I
moved to East Stroudsburg, PA. We lived there together for a year, the
relationship slowly dying.

About March or April on the far end of that year, I was chatting with
S1--- on the phone one day, and she mentioned that she was looking for
someone to apt-sit her place in Tucson for the summer. I saw it as fate,
and volunteered. There was some talk with Doug about him moving out there at some point, but that never materialized...it was over, we just neither
one of us knew, really, how to let go.

I ended up getting to Tucson in May, and I ended up staying at that apt
(in her spare bedroom) for about a year & a half. Somewhere in that time, I developed a raging crush on Ms. 1. Oh, I got over it, but I think
that she never recovered. Eventually I moved out ( to live with my very first girlfriend, no less), but S1--- & I remained distant. Which tells you
why I've lost track of her.

So. I hated Tucson from the moment I got there. It was dry, and hot,
and everything was brown. It's economically depressed...took me 3 weeks or more to get my first job there...at a Taco Bell. Because of the money
issue, and eventually because of friends & relationships there, I ended
up staying for a decade or so. During that time I fell completely out of
touch with all Rockers except S1---...oh, and a woman who went to the
Rock after I left, WH---. She & I became best buddies for a good 4
years...but then she flipped out and stopped talking to me. A recurrent
theme in my life, it seems. < sigh >

Eventually I met Telvi, the woman with whom I would spend the next 4 years.Let's see, I think that was around 7 years ago now/??? Good heavens, how the time does fly, if that is correct. In any case, I think I was 24 (am 31 now). After a year or so, we moved in together, and all was well.
We developed what we called a committed, long-term but non-monogamous relationship. She played around a little... I never seemed to get around to it/have the interest. Until Terri moved into the guest house in our back yard.

Long story short, Terri was a catalyst for me to realize that I wasn't
especially happy with Telvi, and that I was slowly starving myself to
death emotionally with her. I broke with Telvi, Terri broke with me, I moved
out, a good friend died of breast cancer, my older brother died in a car
accident, I hated my job, all of my friends had moved or were moving away,
I was in and out of clinical depression. I was miserable. Terri & I
dated off & on (off meaning we didn't speak or see each other, on meaning that we could hardly stand to part). All of this collectively took place for
about 2 years... the exact times/events have (thankfully) become a little fuzzy in my head. But all in all, I was sinking further & further into depression.

Eventually, last year, I was talking to my friend LK--- (who lives here
in NYC, going to grad school here). He said to me "Raaven, Tucson is killing you. You have to get out. You can even come & stay with me for a couple of months, until you get on your feet... just get the hell out of Tucson".

Something about this really struck me as true and important, and well...
I did. I moved here in July last year, stayed with LK--- for 2 months, got
a job, found a roommate & place, and here I am! The world looks much
brighter from New York than it did from Tucson, and I'm beginning to think
I may actually *want* to live through it all. For now, anyway... still
not feeling all *that* stable!

Once I moved here, I got back in touch with a few people, including S2,
LR--- & Doug. I decided to go to the reunion a coupla months ago, and
had a fabulous amazing wonderful time. Almost no one was there that I knew, but they were all Rockers, and I belonged. I've since been hanging out a bit with some of the NYC contigent of the Rock, and it makes the city
even more fun.

I work, as I mentioned, for the American Society of Mechanical Engineers
as the Help Desk/Training Coordinator (actually, my title is Help Desk
Administrator, but the other is more accurate, and I'm trying to get it
changed). I've finally got the okay from my boss to get some network
specific training, and in time I hope to be a sysadmin of some sort.
Network guru, in any case. Yay! Meanwhile, I try to chivvy myself into
having the discipline to write...and maybe even send manuscripts off for
possible sale. I'm not very good at actually sitting down & making myself
work on it, tho.

In other news, I have a tattoo on my belly now, I belly dance (though
I have taken the last year off), I am trying to meet more people and be
more social, I love NYC and being back on the east coast *so* much. Life is, mostly, joyous.

I look forward to seeing you soon, honey!

Raaven
Tags: daily life, family, friends, n things about me, personal
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